THE POWER OF LISTS

Lists can help you learn about yourself, grow from relationships that end, and navigate the dating process.

The beautiful print is by Portland artist Renee Staeck

I have always loved lists. Grocery lists, packing lists, to do lists, wishlists, lists of hikes I want to go on - the list goes on. I was THAT kid who carried around a full rainbow of glitter gelly roll pens in a special pen pouch, color coding her notes in middle school. Writing things down helps free up mental space so I can focus my energy on other things. So it will come as no surprise to anyone that knows me that I make a lot of lists for self reflection. Here are some of the types of lists that have helped me learn about myself, grow from relationships that ended, and navigate the dating process.

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Lists for immediately after a break-up:

• What did you not like about the person? What did you not like about the relationship?

After my eight year long relationship ended, this list was game changing. I wrote down ALL the things that bothered me -- everything from big values differences we fought about to small annoyances, like the fact that he walked super slowly. Any time I started missing him, having second thoughts on my decision to end the relationship, and reminiscing about the good times we had, I would look back at this list. I was surprised by how many annoyances I had forgotten about and was reminded of all the upshots of no longer dating this person. It's easy to look back on past relationships with rose colored glasses on, and this list helps remind you why the relationship ended.

On my one year break up anniversary, I held a ceremony to commemorate all the self growth I had experienced in the prior year. I wrote down each thing that I did not like about my ex on individual strips of paper. I kid you not, I filled up an entire bowl with these strips of paper. My friend and I built a fire in my fireplace, and I threw each strip of paper into the flames, one by one, after reading aloud the thing I had wrestled with for so many years. Afterwards, I wrote down a wish on flying magic wish paper for what I hoped the year ahead would bring. Watching my wish float into the air and disappear, my heart felt lighter and I felt ready to take on the next chapter.

• What did you learn about yourself through this relationship?

We can learn a lot about ourselves from relationships that end. Even if a relationship doesn't last a lifetime, what can you take away from the experience and carry into your next relationship? Some of the recent lessons I've learned about myself include:

-- I always thought I needed to date an extrovert. I learned introverts can be a good (and potentially better!) match for me, as long as they are social introverts. Although, I don't actually think the terms introvert and extrovert are particularly useful because they can mean so many different things. So to be more specific...I learned I can date someone that needs to recharge alone as long as they are willing to socialize "enough". I can date someone that's not the life of the party - they just need to be chatty and talkative "enough".

-- I learned what it feels like for a relationship to feel easy. Turns out it's pretty magical not disagreeing about stuff all the time. The right relationship will feel easy 80 percent of the time.

-- I learned what it feels like to have a boyfriend that makes me feel good about myself and not doubt myself. Sounds obvious, but surprisingly hard to come by. If someone makes me feel bad or question myself, next!

-- I learned what it feels like dating someone that is a solid communicator whose communication style meshes well with mine. I learned that having that is super important to me.

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Lists during the dating process:

• What am I looking for in a partner?

I think most people have some version of this list - the qualities you want in a partner - whether it's a physical list or a mental one. For me, it started as a laundry list ranging from "wants kids" to "wants to spend money on similar things" to "likes to dance." What I have found helpful is categorizing the list into three buckets:

1. Must Haves. If they don't have this, I'm ending it (i.e. deal breakers).

2. Super Important Things. It's okay for us to be off on 1-2 things and that's what we'll spend our energy disagreeing about. But we can't be off on more than 1-2 things in this bucket, or I'll be giving up too much of what's important to me.

3. Nice to Haves. Wouldn't it be nice if...

From time to time, I revisit this list and find that certain things have become more or less important. But it's a good gut check for me to evaluate the person I'm dating. Is it just lust, or is he actually a good fit? Without this list, I would have dated several 3 out of 5 guys a lot longer.

• What am I attracted to? Evaluate your dates!

I had my list of what I was looking for in a partner. But I still had a lot to learn about what I liked/ didn't like and what I found attractive/highly unattractive. Some things are inexplicable -- there's chemistry or there's not. But other things are more tangible. I go into every date as an opportunity to learn something about myself. Even if the date goes horribly, it's not a waste because I'll learn something, whether it's about myself or a fun fact.

For every date you go on, take notes on the following:

-- What were you attracted to?

Holy shit, that beard and those eyes. Or, he meditates! Or, love that he's independent and went on a solo trip to Mexico.

-- What were turn offs?

He didn't ask me ANY questions. Or, isn't it interesting that I was super turned off by his voice and his laugh (or should I say giggle). Or, he was so negative! Or, I was SUPER turned off by his....half beard (true story!)

-- What are question marks to evaluate further?

Is he too serious? Can he be playful? Is he too materialistic? Does that comment he made mean we're not on the same page about X?

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Lists for self love and self growth:

• What do you love about yourself? (physical features, personality traits, behaviors/ actions, etc.)

It's sad, but I found this list hard to make at first. It's not something I naturally think about, and I'm notoriously hard on myself. I'm inclined to focus on the things I don't like or things I wish I had done differently. As corny as it sounds, the exercise of consciously thinking about what makes me unique and awesome has made me love myself more.

• What are some of your weaknesses? What do you want to work on?

No one is perfect, and everyone has their weaknesses. I think it's helpful to reflect on this from time to time and how you can grow. I have found it helpful asking for feedback from family, friends, coworkers, and partners because we all have ways we can be better people, friends, and partners.

Turns out I have a lot to say about lists! What types of lists have you found helpful in your life?