HOW TO BE SINGLE AND HAPPY

I love being in a relationship, so I turned to Jennifer Taitz's book to reframe my thoughts on being single.

I love being in a relationship. I love getting texts in the middle of my workday that make me smile. I love having a best friend to go on hiking and camping adventures with. I love having someone that knows how to comfort me and make me laugh after a hard day. I love consistent, mind blowing sex. I love finding surprise post-its in my lunch bag. Needless to say, I had a hard time adjusting to single life.

I was doing all the things people say to do when you’re single. I took up new hobbies! I joined clubs! I made new friends! I went on solo dates! I saw a therapist! And yet, I couldn’t shake the sense of longing to be in a relationship, and I was frustrated with myself for that. So what does one do? Naturally look to the Google.

I stumbled on a book called How to Be Single and Happy: Science-Based Strategies for Keeping Your Sanity While Looking for a Soulmate by Jennifer L. Taitz. Sounded cheesy, but it got great reviews, so I figured I’d give it a shot. Turns out, it was fabulous, so I want to share some of the book's highlights and my key takeaways.

Image by Jennifer L Taitz

1. The Husband Treadmill. “Many [people] chase a partner, running for years on the ‘husband treadmill,’ in the belief that finding the right person will mean a permanently elevated mood and a happier life.” But finding a partner won’t make you any happier. It might make you less lonely, yes. But your baseline happiness won’t increase once you meet someone. Rather, happiness stems from a combination of genetics, circumstances (e.g. relationship status, finances, etc.), AND activities. Everyone’s happiness hovers at a fairly stable set point throughout life, and we tend to bounce back to that baseline no matter what happens (good or bad.)

• Don’t lose sight of the annoying parts of being in a relationship with someone – snoring, compromising on how you spend your Saturday, etc.

• Work on not wishing things were different. Be thankful for this moment in time with yourself. You’ll be nostalgic for it later.

• Work on being present in your life. “Mindfulness is about fully participating in activities instead of letting past pains or future worries contaminate your moments. Being present in your life is the opposite of waiting for love, and research suggest that the more present you can be, the more fulfillment you will experience.”

• Answer the prompt: “What would I do if I had a partner? How would my life be different? And how can I do some of that now?”

2. Ruminating will ruin your life, if it hasn’t already. Rumination is “obsessively dwelling on certain thoughts and symptoms.” Guilty as charged. It feels horrible. “People prone to ruminating…assume that they’re working to understand and solve their problems.” But compulsively overthinking about something makes your thinking less rational. No good comes from running on the hamster wheel of your own thoughts. Once you notice you’re on the hamster wheel – remind yourself of this.

• Identify what topics are most triggering/when you feel most vulnerable, and specifically strategize ways to escape the minefield during those times.

• Engage in activities that require active thinking (e.g. trivia night, a movie, a lecture) that help you stay in the moment.

• Monitor your social media use and notice when it leads to upsetting thoughts. Watch out for comparing yourself to others.

• Ruminating when you’re single may put you at risk of ruminating in a relationship, and research shows that overthinking increases conflict and unhappiness in couples. It makes you feel more negatively about the relationship.

• Watch for “co-rumination” with friends, or excessively discussing problems or rehashing details with others. It won’t lead to relief or bring you closer to others. Instead, use get-togethers with friends as a vacation from overthinking.

• “Ultimate peace of mind resides in being in the current moment.”

3. Use this time being single as an opportunity to figure out your personal “mission statement.” Taitz says this is a critical time to figure out who you are, what matters to you, and what you stand for. This is a new metric system to live your life by. Focus on your values, not your goals.

• Values don’t equal goals. With a goal, you achieve it or you don’t. Win or lose. I’m married or I’m not. I have kids or I don’t. With values, your life isn’t measured by what you get but by what you give. Focus on how you show up in the world, not if you’ve achieved X goal.

• Prompt: Choosing your life purpose. Ask yourself:

- What do you want your life to stand for?

- How do you want to live your life?

• Prompt: What matters most?

- If I had one month left to live, how would I spend it?

- If I had one week left to live, how might I spend that week?

- With one day to live, what would I do for that day?

- In the final hour of my life, what would I do?

• Prompt: Make a values pie chart. List what you know deeply matters and graphically depict how much you’d like to prioritize each value in your life. For example, some pie slices might include: be healthy (mind and body); make a difference in the world; act lovingly towards my friends, family, and partner; pursue creative outlets; seek new experiences; or do my best in my career.

4. Taitz ultimately defines happiness as VALUES + PLEASURE + MASTERY.

VALUES: having a clear sense of your mission statement/values and acting in alignment with them

PLEASURE: activities you passively enjoy, like concerts and eating at a restaurant

MASTERY: doing activities that create a sense of accomplishment, like learning to cook or practicing mindfulness

• Prompt: What gives you pleasure? What actions might you take to increase your sense of mastery?

• “Looking to another person for fulfillment leaves you vulnerable, robbing you of the essential life practice of good self-care."

Being single is the perfect time to reflect on changes you want to make in your life. Even if you can’t quit your job to pursue your passion for pottery, “it’s possible to use your precious time in a way that feels, well, more precious.”

A shout out to all my single friends. I see you. You are amazing. You are enough.