BUILDING COMMUNITY AS ADULTS

Community is everything to me. But building community as an adult can be really tough. Here are some strategies for forging new deep friendships and community.

I've struggled to find community for almost my whole life. Looking back on my childhood, I never felt like I belonged in the town I grew up in since it was very wealthy, and the values of those around me didn't align with mine. In high school, I struggled to find "my people". I had a different group of friends every year of high school, trying on different community hats to see if any of them fit...they didn't.

When I got to college and formed a tight knit group of girlfriends, I got my first real taste of community. It was incredible. These friends became family, and for the first time, I felt truly understood. College is such an incredible, unique time because everyone is in a similar life phase, sharing common experiences. Through living together, late night study sessions, potlucks, and weekend adventures, these girlfriends grew beyond mere acquaintances into lifelong sisters.

After college, I moved across the country with my then boyfriend and knew no one. I struggled to form community in my new city, and my friends in other cities shared that they were struggling too. I met people at work, signed up for a kickball league, and joined a choir. I had an easy time making acquaintances that I'd see every month or two, but a hard time taking friendships to a deeper level (and even finding people I wanted to have a deeper friendship with). It's easy to give up and to rely instead on a significant other to fill that void, even if you crave community and a broader social network. Sometimes I wished I were religious because religious groups provide a natural community, but that wasn't for me. Over ten years later, I finally feel like I have the foundation for the community I've long craved, and I want to share some of the strategies I've used to get to where I am. But first:

What does community actually mean?

Oxford Languages defines community as "a group of people living in the same place or having a particular characteristic in common" and "a feeling of fellowship with others, as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals."

For me, community is a group of people that I see on a regular basis, and my friendships with those people go beyond mere acquaintances. We have similar values, hobbies, and interests, and we enjoy sharing stories and having discussions that broaden our perspectives on the world. These people have my back when times are tough, and they will forgive me when I misstep and apologize. They understand my strengths and weaknesses, and they love me anyways. I gather with some or all of these people weekly for family dinners, potlucks, park gatherings, game nights, volunteering events, concerts, etc. They are my chosen family.

I think it's important to note that community is fluid. You don't build a community and then hooray! You're set for life. People have babies, people move away, people get divorced, people grow and change and values/interests evolve. Community evolves over time, and we must constantly work to create our desired community.

What strategies can you try to build community as an adult?

Maybe you just moved to a new city. Maybe you are entering a new life phase (new mom or newly single). Maybe you're shy and have a hard time making friends. I think these strategies can apply to all of you.

1. Build on friendships and connections you already have. Even if you don't see someone becoming your best friend, they know other people and may introduce you to someone that could be a close friend. So hang out with those friends and meet their friends.

2. Say yes to everything. Yes, even you introverts. It's exhausting, but if someone invites you to do something, GO. It takes a lot of time and energy to build friendships. If you say no too many times, people will stop inviting you.

3. Be proactive and bold. If you meet someone awesome (at work, at a happy hour, at a party), don't be shy! Ask for their number and say you'd love to hang out again soon. And then ACTUALLY FOLLOW UP to hang out again soon. (Yes, it's exactly like dating.)

4. Tell existing friends you are in a phase of looking to make friends. As they go about their lives, they'll think of people that you might hit it off with and can connect you.

5. Send mass text invites. Once you have some acquaintances and friends, pick an activity you want to do. Examples: concert you're excited about, a standup comedy show, or a food festival. Then send a mass text to a group of people (maybe up to 10 people) inviting them to join you for X activity at X time. Have a specific plan. Many people won't be able to come, but hopefully a few will be able to join! Then do it again in a week or two. And again a week or two after that. If certain individuals always turn you down without inviting you to do something on another occasion, drop them from the group text and choose someone else to include instead.

6. Start a Cookbook Club. You'll pick a different cookbook every month, everyone that can come will pick a recipe from it, make it at home, and then you'll meet up to share the food potluck style. If people don't want to buy a copy before trying the recipes, they can borrow it from the library or take a photo of a recipe at the bookstore. I suggest starting a Google sheet so people can RSVP, sign up for a recipe (so you don't end up with two of the same thing and can ensure you have enough food), and list any dietary restrictions.

7. Host a tea party. Invite 3-4 friends and tell each of them to bring a friend that you don't know (and maybe mugs!). I personally like keeping the group to around 8 people so it still feels intimate and you have a chance to get to know your new friends. Provide tea and snacks. Swap stories about how everyone knows each other. And then host another one!

8. Join a few Meetups. Pick ones targeting people with similar hobbies or life phases, and go to events! You'll meet lots of people you don't like, but hopefully if there's a group of 20, you'll meet one you do like. Some events will suck. But don't give up and keep trying. I met one of my best friends at a Meetup (the only friend I ever made through Meetup), so I need to give it a shout out.

9. Organize a weekly gathering (e.g. "Summer Tuesdays"). This one was game changing for me and helped introduce my one-off friends to each other. I found that it was really important to hang out with people weekly to take friendships to the next level. Send out a mass email inviting people to join the Summer Tuesday crew (or whatever catchy name you come up with) and include a link to a Google Sheet. Every week, there will be a different activity -- paddle boarding, lawn games at a park, baseball game, trivia night, etc. The intention is for different people to sign up to "host" a given week. Hosting is super simple - you just have to come up with an activity idea, sign up on the Google Sheet, and then email the group a few days in advance with details (what the activity is, where to meet, timing, what to bring if anything). There's no need to RSVP, unless the host specifies otherwise (e.g. if reservations are needed for an activity, say). Anyone who wants to participate on a given Tuesday can just show up and BYO drinks and snacks! You can have a tab in the Google Sheet for "activity ideas" and one for a "distribution list" with emails and phone numbers.

10. Hang out with some people weekly. Through all of the above strategies, try to work your way up to hanging out with some people weekly. This was key for me in deepening friendships and starting to build community. It really snowballs.

11. Some additional ideas that have worked for others, but haven't been as successful for me:

• Attend events associated with your hobbies (e.g. art classes, lectures, workshops). I had a hard time finding events I was interested in, but this has been successful for some of my friends.

• Join groups/clubs associated with your hobbies (e.g. sports teams, choirs, religious groups). Many of the ones I was interested in only meet monthly, which isn't often enough to build momentum, and I personally didn't meet people I saw becoming close friends.

Not everyone you meet will be in the same life phase as you. Not everyone you want to be friends with will have the time to invest in a new friendship. Friend crushes aren't always mutual. But don't sweat it! Keep trying, and you'll find mutual friend crushes who are also looking to build community.

Watch for how much your new friends are reciprocating. Are you always the one inviting someone to do things? Are you always the one hosting? I found that at the beginning, I was often the initiator, but over time, the people who were excited to deepen our friendship reciprocated and I gradually focused more of my energy on those people and less on the others.

What does community mean to you? How have you built community? What are some strategies that have worked well for you?