NAVIGATING THE GREY

Dating is not always black and white. To navigate the grey, I think about compatibility with people as a scale of five, and the 3 out of 5 person is the toughest to figure out.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have been a decisive person. I know what I like and what I don’t like. I have a clear picture of what I want – whether it’s a career, apartment, or ice cream flavor. Sometimes it takes me time to weigh the options, but when I make a decision, I never regret it. Some have told me they admire this about me. Others have told me I should be more open minded.

Dating has thrown me for a loop. For the first time in my life, I have found myself uncertain at times. Is he a good fit? How do I really feel about this person? The answer isn’t always black and white like I’m used to. I want to know up front if someone is a good fit for me, but the only way to figure this out is by trying it out and dating them. I’m learning to be more comfortable living in the grey.

One frame I have found helpful in navigating this grey is thinking about people and our compatibility on a scale of 1 to 5:

• The 1 out of 5 person: This is a person where you have one main thing in common. Say, you both really love biking. You can love biking with this person and talking about biking. But the connection ends there. There is still room in my life for 1 out of 5 men, but I will not marry one.

• The 2 out of 5 person: This is a person where you have several things in common, but you discover relatively quickly that you are not a match. There is enough of a spark to go on several dates or to date for a short period of time, but it becomes pretty clear that you are not well aligned.

• The 3 out of 5 person: This person is the toughest one to figure out. You have a lot in common. You love spending time with this person. Your values are largely aligned. But deep down, you have a sense that something is off and the relationship doesn’t feel right. You might date this person for six months or a year or two.

• The 4 out of 5 person: This is who you will likely marry. You share values and interests, and they check off almost every item on your list, but there are one or two things you aren’t aligned on. This is what you will spend your relationship working on.

• The 5 out of 5 person: This person is practically custom made for you. You share all the same values and interests. They check off every item on your list and complement you perfectly. This is almost impossible to find, and I’m not holding out for finding this person.

When I broke up with my first 3 out of 5 guy, I had a hard time. The next day I was super sad, questioning if I made the right decision to call things off. “He’s such a great guy! We had so much fun together, and we had so much in common.” I have since broken up with several more 3 out of 5 guys, and this feeling always passes. I now know to expect to feel down and to remind myself of the things that felt off. I’m not feeling this way because I made a mistake – he was just a 3 out of 5 person.

Here’s to continuing to lean into the grey in order to find my 4 out of 5 person, and to discovering what a 5 out of 5 feels like, should he come my way!