LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH

Here’s the backstory of my journey to find love. And how I came to realize that love is not enough and there are different types of love.

My journey started in February 2018 when I ended an eight year long relationship with the guy I thought I was going to marry. He was everything I thought I wanted. Tall, incredibly handsome, incredibly smart, charismatic, loving, athletic, stable – I could go on. He quickly won over my friends and coworkers. And we had an *electric* chemistry that was undeniable. I was smitten within 45 minutes on our first date. Even towards the end of our relationship, I still felt butterflies around him.

Here's the thing: deep down, my gut told me early on that he wasn't a great fit for me. I saw the red flags. But I had never felt that kind of chemistry before, and it was intoxicating. Movies, TV shows, and society taught me that once you fall in love with someone, you’ll live happily ever after. “All you need is love.” “Love conquers all.” So I fought to make the relationship work. Eight years, two couples counselors, and countless hours of rumination later, I finally came to realize that love is not enough. So I walked away from a man I was still madly in love with because I realized we did not share enough core values and I was sacrificing too much of what was important to me to make the relationship “work.” And I haven’t looked back.

Since the breakup, I’ve had a crash course in online dating. As my therapist bluntly put it, “You have no experience dating!” So I started swiping and going on dates. LOTS of dates. I went on a date this morning with Guy #60. I’ve learned a lot of lessons along the way - about myself, dating, and relationships - which I hope others will find both helpful and amusing.

For this first blog post, the first lesson I want to share is there are at least two kinds of love – fiery, electric love and slow-burn, companionship love.

1. Fiery, electric love was my first love. It was intoxicating. It was passionate. It was all-consuming. When things were good, they were incredible. Being in the relationship made me high on life. But here’s the thing. Fiery, electric love is often volatile. The highs are really high, and the lows are really low. Being in a relationship or marriage with this kind of person can take a toll on you. I found that it blindsided me from seeing things about the relationship that were toxic and very bad for me, and it made me stay in the relationship longer than I probably should have.

2. Slow-burn, companionship love was my second love. There was chemistry at the beginning, but it wasn’t electric. I wasn’t ever swept off my feet, ogling to girlfriends about our dates. I liked him, but I wasn’t intoxicated, which felt new and strange. As we got to know each other better, my feelings grew. There was passion. There was respect. There was stability. Ultimately, the relationship ended, but it taught me how easy and great it can feel to be in a relationship with someone you love that isn’t so volatile. There can still be passion and chemistry, and you can still get to a place where you don’t want to live without this person.

I’ve learned that finding fiery, electric chemistry with someone shouldn’t be the goal. I’m not opposed to it if our values are aligned and we are well suited for each other, but it’s not inherently an indicator of a good match.

I’ve also learned that despite this new awareness, I find myself craving fiery, electric chemistry. I am working on not placing too much weight on that feeling (or lack thereof). There needs to be some chemistry for me to want to keep dating someone, but I’m trying to keep my heart open to slow-burn love. So here’s to unlearning bad habits and finding a companion that is well-suited for me in the long run – whether it’s through fiery, electric love or slow-burn, companionship love, or a kind of love I haven't experienced yet!

Thanks for joining me on this journey!